even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
