The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
