thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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