He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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