I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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