I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We had sex on a dog bed..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
