UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
