dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
