thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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