Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
