I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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