dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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