On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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