I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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