seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
