So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
