At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
