He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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