Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
