Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
