WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The power of my boobs compel you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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