i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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