I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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