Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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