I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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