then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
