sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
