what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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