Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
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i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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