its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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