remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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