Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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