I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
