I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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