Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
