Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
