I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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