Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
