I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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