hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
