Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
