Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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