Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
