so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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