Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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