I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
