Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
