my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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