Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize
