Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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