they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
