Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
