But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
