chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
