Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
