Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i love accidental penises.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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