Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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