i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize