I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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